Choose Your Weapon

My mum wasn’t particularly thrilled when I told her I was trying out online dating. To her it seemed dangerous and uncertain because you don’t know who you’re meeting. And to a point she is correct – according to university research** done in Australia, 81% of people using online dating lie about their age, weight, height and penis size. And although you can’t get away with that when meeting face-to-face (except for the penis size…), who’s to say that the person you meet at the gym or the coffee shop (a.k.a “Organic Dating”) isn’t a serial killer? Or, less dramatically, something you just didn’t expect.

I’ve had a crush on the lab courier that comes to my work since before I became single. He was perfection, a delicious milk-chocolate button of gooey yum and I saw him first before my work colleagues. His hotness, though, had spread to other clinics and eventually there was a friendly rivalry between myself and another nurse at a different clinic. Every time he came in I always said to myself, “this is the day I’ll actually say something”, but it always seemed that either I was busy and couldn’t chat, or he rushed in and rushed out before I could even say “Here’s the faecal sample”. But then the day came a few weeks ago when I actually had a small conversation with him, which wasn’t about the sample I was handing over, and I gave him a smile and the old hair toss trick – a fist pump moment! And then two days later the news came from the rival nurse that Hot Lab Courier Guy had a kid…and one on the way.

Now if that guy had have been online, I could have skipped the whole taking an eternity to pluck up the courage to say a few words of a conversation to him, and just cut straight to the chase. With online dating you even get a chance to find out if they’re compatible with you before any words are exchanged, thanks to those clever algorithms dating sites have in place – pick your favourite ethnicity, do you want a non-drug-user, are you a chubby chaser. And that’s great isn’t it…except for one small flaw.

Your algorithm matched me with my ex. True story.

**Although one-third of online dating matches don’t end up on an actual date, it is approximately $9000 cheaper than organic dating due to two factors – 1.) you each pay for your own meal and drinks, or split the bill, and 2.) you marry two years earlier, thus combining your incomes. You are also 2% less likely to experience divorce. **University Research into Online Dating

I am currently in a conundrum with a guy I’ve been chatting online with. He’s gorgeous, very mature, loves dogs and actually calls me to have a conversation. This has been going on for about a month and I still haven’t met him in person. And it’s not from a lack of trying, I’ve tried…4? times to organise a date with Hot Lawyer Guy. He’s busy being a lawyer, I guess, although last week when we were supposed to meet up he called me to say he was sick. At least he bothered to call me, and I feel he is a genuine person because, quite frankly, who on earth strings someone along for a month with no personal gain? Even a serial killer needs an endgame.

If I don’t write again in 4 weeks time, send help.

 

HG

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Three’s a Crowd Pleaser

So I’ve been off the dating radar for numerous reasons. Firstly because it’s the same old shit, day in, day out – “Hi, you’re stunning. Down for the D?” Secondly, I’m not down for the D at this point. The D can go find another V to go F.

I was, however, casually seeing a guy from online – Say Yes! More Often (for the original message) – who intrigued me with his witty banter and directness. This is of course before I discovered that I should say yes to more appropriate arrangements. The key word here is “appropriate”.

It started off quite well – we met at a beachside suburb quite known for it’s wining and dining, and made our way to several bars before walking down to the beach. In a way, it was kind of romantic – I laid on the sand looking up at the stars and he sat beside me, nervously talking about nothing in particular until he lent down and confessed he couldn’t think of the best way to ask if he could kiss me. So he just did.

For a few weeks we caught up on the weekend to hang out. It was mainly a Saturday night or Sunday arvo because he played football on Saturday mornings, and Sunday was his day of rest – or as I like to call it, “Doing Sweet F.A”. And by that I mean literally doing nothing, not even leaving the house or driving to meet someone for a drink. This was the first sign that I would be saying yes to nothing appropriate.

 

And every single time I went there, it was the same schedule. Netflix, sex, pizza, Netflix, him complaining about his sore muscles from football, Netflix. We did have an interesting conversation on how the minds of men differ from women. What he likes to call “The Cardboard Box Theory” – a man’s brain is like a room with shelves, and on each shelf is a labeled box such as “Girls”, “Food” or “Football” etc. Whereas a woman’s brain is a room with cardboard boxes scattered everywhere with no rhyme or reason to it. I agreed with the theory, I said that is why women can multitask and men can’t, because you can’t think about two things at once and if you did…absolute catastrophe!

The sex could have been more interesting, but by the time you drive an hour to someone’s house, have a conversation where they don’t really give a shit about what you’re talking about and then try to have sex with you, you’re pretty much over it. And ladies, don’t even think about saying “Hey, why don’t you try this” or “I like it this way” because apparently you will like it the way he is doing it.

*Yawn*

“So don’t go over there” you say, “Ask him to come to your house”. Well if it’s after football or on the verge of being Sunday, I had no hope of luring him out. I texted him one time during the week and asked him to meet me for a drink at the beach we first met at. Half-way point. Nope, he’s not drinking at the moment, that means I should come to his place.

That time I did not go to his house. I was a strong independent woman, who decided to be a hermit that weekend and do some gardening. And colour in. And drink a lot of wine. Desperado love songs may have also been involved.

We caught up probably another two times after that. Me going to his house. Same. Old. Shit.

I don’t expect people to come to my house quite often, mainly because I live about 30min from the city. I’m happy to meet half way, and I will go to other people’s houses if they make the effort to meet me either half way, or at mine. But when you live 30mins from the city, and you ask someone else who also lives 30min from the city IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION to come to your house, every single fucking time?

No. Ginger don’t play that game.

There were several things I learnt about myself during this period of “casual dating”, so some good came of it. I learnt that I am a fucking fabulous person (thank you Lush!) who deserves a man who is willing to meet me half way and actually LISTEN AND RESPOND to what I am saying/asking. I learnt that if you ever receive a text message at 11:30pm saying “You awake?”, do not reply at all and if you do, do not say “Yeah. What’s up?” Because you know very well what is up. “My cock ;)” Which then also leads to a late night of receiving porn, organising a threesome and being FINALLY asked if he can come over to your house right now.

I also learnt from this experience and a few others, to never, ever mention the word/idea/dream/past experience of threesomes to any man. By getting involved and participating, you’ll just open up a supernova of cataclysmic proportions because a man tried to multitask.

 

 

HG

Round 2

So I haven’t written for a while – I’ve been housesitting at a house with no internet. I do not recommend this, especially if you have a need for keeping in touch with the real world (aka Facebook) via the comfort of your pj’s and heat pack.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been a busy little beaver in my dating quest! On the contrary, I had to be very careful not to get names mixed up. Especially with Level 5 Clinger texting me constantly, even whilst I’m seeing other people (check out The Ambush, if you’re not up to speed).

Speaking of L5C, I last spoke of giving him a second chance because, well, I wanted to see him naked. But I also did believe that he may have just been a regular, nervous guy on a first date. The not making eye contact, the moments of awkward silence, all could be taken as signs of nervousness. Or shiftiness, if you’re a “once bitten, twice shy” kinda girl like me. So when he asked me out again, I said yes to a coffee date and made sure I had an event that I needed to be at afterwards, just in case.

We met at Dome and he did seem a little more relaxed this time, although while deciding what pot of tea I wanted, I asked him to tell me a story. Thinking he’d tell me a little bit about himself or his family, he ended up telling me another dating story. He went out with a girl from Tinder, who brought a friend along who seemed a little…different. And after they all went their separate ways, he received a text message from his date, asking what he thought of her friend. Turns out the friend was a transgender (MTF) and the date wanted to hook them up… This is why I’ll wait another 2 years of being single before I delve into the cracker that is Tinder.

Anyway, our date went fine. He even kissed me at the end in the car park, and pinched my bum. It was fun and cheeky, and he seemed to be much more relaxed and actually smiled a few times. When he smiles you can see potential of a really attractive, nice guy and so I left the date feeling elated and thinking perhaps he wasn’t all that bad after all. And it got to the point where I became distracted by his texts and thinking about him in…an unladylike manner. So, I did something any single, distracted woman would do. I told him I wanted to come round to his place…and it wasn’t for coffee.

Remember I said I wanted to say yes more often? I really need to talk myself out of saying yes to certain things. This should have been one of them.

I’d had a long day of running around and being stressed out – not a good start to getting your freak on. So by the time I arrived at his, I was actually pretty over the idea. But I figured our coffee date went well, and he is very attractive. If anything was going to pull me out of a cranky-ginger mood, it was a good rogering with a hot bloke. Excitement plus?!

No.

It was probably the most boring, awkward sex I’ve ever had. Again, no eye contact. No smile. No talking – he barely made a sound – it was like fucking Charlie Chaplin without the overacting. I don’t know if he came, or if he even enjoyed it. It just went on and on, and then on a bit more. In the end, I had to fake one. Just so I could say, “Hey, if you’re waiting for me, I’m good”. Nope, nothing. Went on for about another 10mins before he randomly stopped, spooned me and then said, “Well it’s getting late and I should probably get some sleep.”

Wow. What a fairytale. I left the house slightly confused and very self-conscious. Maybe I’m shit in bed? I’ve never had any complaints before, but I seriously doubted myself and felt very undesirable. Not a good feeling to deal with at 29 and recently single. I just didn’t know what to think, except I didn’t want to se that guy again. I just couldn’t be bothered dealing trying to figure out his brain. I’m not a mind-reader, and I’m not going to bother with anyone who cannot be upfront or honest.

Still confused the next morning, I get a text message from L5C asking how my morning was and then 5 seconds later:

You have a hot bod btw 😉

*Eyeroll* Aaaaand he’s not distracting anymore. Even when he texted again asking if I was up for round 2.

I’ve been dreading this part since starting the dating online thing. To dump or ignore. I’m not a confrontational person, I actually really hate it and avoid it at all costs. Even if it means being stuck in a dead-end relationship for 6 years… But I felt even worse thinking about this poor guy who, now I realised, had no self-confidence or communication skills, was someone I just couldn’t see myself dating in any form. So I sent a gentle but clear message that it was over and that he should continue on his search elsewhere. And he accepted it gracefully and without any harsh words back.

And now I look back, a week later, and sigh with relief that I dodged a seriously bleak future of laying on my back, skin to the wind, thinking of handbags.

HG

Things NOT to say to a prospective date

Up to today, these are a few things I’ve had the pleasure(?) of coming across in the world of online dating. Enjoy.

Grantlington (Age – 29; Personality – Intellectual): **When asked why his profile tagline says “Sea Otters. Not as cute as you think.”                                                                                                                                                                                            have you not heard? they rape baby seals to death! Also female otters can be drowned whilst intercourse is happening too. All those cute baby seals….. Certainly surprises many people when i give them that fact! Yeeeeaaaahhh nah..

teggy1237 (Age – 26; Personality – Free Thinker): Hey how’s it goin am Terry so u looking for that someone special then.    Oh Terry, you have no idea.

kparker80 (Age – 34; Personality – Techie): Hi, my name is ***** iam in Perth and looking for a date. If ur interested we can meet this weekend. My number *********.     This just screams “prank me!” I also enjoyed his “About Me” section of his profile. I like swimming.

 

So at least they’ve made an effort with the attempt to woo me, right? I mean, it’s not like all I’m getting is “Hi, how r u” every 5mins. Ah…there’s a secret to that! On some wonderful sites, they have this ingenious little option of “Set Character Limit”. This is where you can set a limit of, say 50 characters, before the message can be sent to you, thus avoiding said issue of lack lustre responses.

It’s a great option to pick because you’ll get some beauties, such as this guy –

MilanB33 (Age – 27; Personality – Free Thinker): Hey girl how are you? 
Omg why are you making me type all these extra words. Like who starts a conversation like this?

 

Who, indeed.

HG

 

The Ambush

Here’s a tip on how to break out of the Level 5 Clinger zone. Find someone else to cling to.

But that tip comes with a warning. Because you never know, in the world of online dating, who you are about to cling on to. You could just as easily find someone who takes the clinginess to whole other level.

aza401 (Age – 32; Personality – Coffee Snob): Ok I’m on lunch haha. So hungry.  Yeah I built. Went halves with my sister. It’s a nice place in ********.  Haha yeah I hear that a lot of the guys just sent one liners. The girls are ok, I actually don’t get anyone messaging me haha. I do all the approaching. I’ve had a few dates, just causal coffees or drinks, I think it’s great to just go out and meet new people.  Haha why thank you 🙂 we to be honest I’m just here to meet new people and go on fun dates. After my last relationship I just want to discover what I like about other people if that makes sense.  How about you? You’re very gorgeous yourself 🙂 If you’d like to text me feel free ********** 🙂 [sic]

Seems normal right? Confident perhaps? Knows what he wants. I thought so too, so I texted him. And that’s when the ambush happened.

In the space of 24 hours I’ve received 30 text messages, starting at 12:30pm, right through til 10pm and then starting back up at 7:30am the next morning. 7:30am. O.o And not just a few quick lines.

It was like he rolled over from the dating site to the mobile phone, writing out several paragraphs of questions for me and info about himself. I even got 2 pictures of him and his dog hugging/choke-holding. It was just a constant barrage of messages, to the point I got really annoyed and so turned off I wanted to yell at him to fuck off. He even asked me if I was getting ready for my date and if I was excited…the date was with ANOTHER GUY.

*headdesk*

I do admit that perhaps I may I have been a bit cheeky after giving my number and saying that not sending me dick pics would be an excellent choice for now.

Of course the only thing to do to make this any better was to arrange a date with him. Because why not, I like to punish myself, keeps my ego in check. And maybe he’s actually not that bad in real life. His photos were certainly appealing – even my girlfriends were drooling over him. I wasn’t sure what we’d have left to talk about, but surely there must be something he hadn’t covered. He didn’t live all that far from me, which is nice and easy. So we settled on a bar 2min from my place for a Sunday session.

I was a tad early (which is very unusual for me) but I spotted him walking in so decided to follow him. He looked well dressed – jeans, t-shirt with a jacket over the top and nice shoes. He at least looked like his photos, which is always a good start. And so I waved to get his attention, expecting a nice smile or a cheery hello.

Nope. All I got was “Oh, hi.” No smile. No enthusiasm. I did get a hug and a kiss on the cheek but I’m starting to learn that that is just a common thing when meeting someone of the opposite sex. No biggie. Apparently he didn’t recognise me because my hair is a darker red now, compared to my profile pictures. I suppose that’s a fair call. Although I recognised him, even with the sour expression he was wearing, as apposed to the smiling, confident ones he had in his profile pictures. Stop judging, it’ll get better! I told myself.

It didn’t really get much better. I’m glad it only lasted an hour – he had to go to his mum’s for dinner afterwards. Which is sweet and I guess it keeps things short in case I was a troll or a crazy. But it was probably the longest hour of my life and was so boring. I got a free drink out of it I suppose. We mostly talked about dating because that’s all he asked me about. Who was the craziest person I’d met? How many people have I met? Do I get a lot of weird messages from guys? What was wrong with my last relationship? How was my date on Friday?

It was so intrusive, I didn’t know what to say. You’re probably the nosiest. I started a blog just from the messages I get from guys like you. What wasn’t wrong with my last relationship. My date on Friday was great, he had a giant cock.

I bet you already guessed that I got a few text messages after we said goodbye. I feel that I should give him a second chance. Only because he’s hot and I want to see him naked…oh,  and I guess he could have been nervous, so maybe next time he’ll be more relaxed?

Nah. I just want to see him naked.

HG

Aaaand I’m THAT person…

So I actually met someone from the dating site I’m on. It was completely unexpected, I thought I’d blown any chance I had of meeting this guy. We’d been chatting for just over a week (he was actually the first guy I messaged back – everyone else was a drop-kick), he was intelligent, respectful, good-looking and – my favourite part – he was foreign.

It should be noted here that I like my men like I like my coffee – mocha.

Anyway, because it was in the early beginnings of my online dating adventure, I openly said that I wasn’t 100% sure I was ready to date someone, as I didn’t feel I had the time or energy to commit to seeing someone. He said he understood and that perhaps it was best if I took time out to rediscover myself, become the “authentic me” and then come back to the online dating. End of story, right?

I thought so too. I had been open and honest about myself – rookie mistake, obviously! Ah well, I thought, perhaps he is right and I should do the things I’ve been wanting to do on my own. And lo and behold, as soon as I’m Miss Independent and “I don’ need no man”…

KJG17 (Age 32, Personality Foodie): Would you be keen to catch up for a drink as friends? You seem like a nice girl and we can meet without the pressure of a date because I know that you have just recently come out of a relationship. We can chat about travelling over a drink. Let me know if you’re keen 🙂 

Holy shit. A real, live date. Well, sort of a date. I hadn’t had a drink with another man in 6 years and here I was, about to meet some complete stranger off the internet. And I had my doubts…oh my lord, I was nervous. I couldn’t eat all day, I had vivid images of me tossing my cookies all over his shoes. But I got myself all made up, hair wasn’t looking as good as I wanted it to but fuck that, it never does anyway. I looked presentable. I was working it.

And he looked fuckable.

That is the first thing that popped into my head when I met KJG17 – “I would so do the nastiest things to this guy.” He was tall, athletic (his arms were all bulgy in the right places), he was confident and extremely friendly. He paid for my drink and a bowl of chips. Umm…THAT’s how you win me over. Give me food and a cocktail. And, of course, look hot. And that’s about as good as it got. Because I am a total useless twat at dating, flirting, socialising, being a normal human being. I rambled on about nothing in particular, somehow my ex and his son came into the conversation (HUUUUUUUGE no-no), I didn’t really learn anything valuable about him, and then because we both had to leave at 5 for prior arrangements, we left the “date” in a hurry because we’d talked too long. He did walk me back to my car, even though he was parked at the opposite end of the street. That was sweet. And it was a hug goodbye and a “It was nice to meet you” and that was it. Epic anti-climax.

So I waited an appropriate amount of time to text him later that evening to say I’d had a lovely time, I hope he enjoys the rest of his weekend and to let me know when he’s free for another catch up. I get a stock standard reply to enjoy my weekend.

And then I turn into THAT person. You know, the annoying girl who bugs everyone about when and how they should reply to the guy they are crushing on. What’s the golden rule of texting someone? Do you wait 24hrs? 3 days? Wednesday, because it’s coming up to the weekend and you need to plan that shit? WHAT DO I DO?

A late night text message 24hrs after meeting saves my life. He’s checking in on me, I respond back with wit and charm. He asks about my work and seems genuinely interested, and it’s getting late so I leave him with more awesomeness and the image of me pulling a devoured g-string out of the surgically opened stomach of a beagle. **PSA – I’M A VET NURSE** I go to bed happy and feeling confident I’ve nailed this dating business.

And then again, I turn into THAT person. I texted him the next morning, as I had an unexpected day off and wanted to chat to him. He’s a little busy doing some paperwork and looking for a new job, so I leave him with a funny joke that he laughed at and end it there. No biggie, I’m just slightly crushed he still hasn’t said anything about catching up again and on the inside I’m slowly dying a horrible painful slow death of heartbreak and loneliness. I’m fine.

Now I’m here. It’s 11:20pm on a Wednesday night and still no reply from my Mediterranean daydream. I can see his username is online on the dating site. And I’ve stalked his Facebook profile, including his friends list. Oh yeah, I went there.

I have now reached Level 5 Clinger mode.

HG.

Say Yes! More Often

After 2 weeks of being in the foetal position and crying my guts out following my breakup, I had a serious conversation with myself, which consisted of a lot of self-assurance that I will find someone else, and that I need to be brave and say “yes” to more opportunities.

So, being a stickler for goals, I came across this young chap with attached photo of him sporting pleather jacket and what I can only describe as a Garth Brooks cowboy hat.

Applesauce86 (Age 28; Personality – daredevil): Hi, how are you? my name’s ****. What’s yours? I would be happy to take you out and get you saying yes more!

At first I baulked at this. My mind immediately jumps to sex – I find myself doing that a lot these days. And so I ignored Applesauce86 because, well to be honest, he might actually want to date me! Yes, shocking. Why would anyone want to date me? Why am I on this site? Why hasn’t the very first guy that messaged me, who I’ve now met and formed an unhealthy attachment to, not called me back after 24hrs? Why do I not feel attracted to the other guy who’s an animal lover, glazes pool fences and is generally an all round nice guy? Why do I bother with this site?

And then, as I should have known, my friends have all given me snippets of wise words and advice. Take your time. Don’t rush it. If the feelings not there, move on.

So I’ll give Applesauce86 another chance. He is quite good-looking and we agree on the same conditions for camping – a shitter and a shower.

HG

Get ready for adventure!

I recently did a cut and run, from a 6 year relationship that was heading down a very slippery-slope of distrust, lies and resentment. It’s been a few months now and, although single at the cusp of 30 is a daunting prospect, I’ve decided to plunge head first into dating. And not just any dating. Online dating.

This blog is created from a suggestion by friends who enjoy my Facebook posts, about the experiences associated with dating in today’s world.

And to kick things off – an explanation of my blog name Hot Ginger:

KingSlayer__ (Age 30; Personality – class clown)

hey hot ginger, you fancy face. You are one fine speciman. [sic]

HG.